anorexic plateau

My weight has pateaued... i can't seem to loose anymore.... i am stuck here at the ugly 38kgs...i hate it..detest it... i am failing... why can;t i make it to 35kg like i was so long ago... it wasnt' that hard last time... i could have lost more if it wasn't for falling pregnant.... so why is it so hard this time? i have no idea...other than i am a failure.... a weak and hopeless fat f**k .... food shoudl be my enemy..... it is i guess, but now i have two beautiful children to feed... they don't deserve to starve...to go hungry...they deserve food, life, and fullness..... so alas there is food in my house..... i hate to touch it.... in case it infiltrates my skin.... but i have to... they are too young to get their own meals. and why should they have to? i am their mother... and my issue with food is mine alone..... not theirs...they deserve to be full and content and to grow and develop as normal.... they are special.... they are loved in the right way... not abused but loved...purely for being alive...for being them.... for beign born.....they owe the world nothing...and no one anything.... they are loved.

uncle carey

uncle carey... sickness has overtaken your body... weakend your spirit... taking your soul... vibrant you once were... cherished and loved you still are...

your family hurting, fear engulfing, may God wrap His arms around you, comfort and hold you close.

I love you.

i am your only friend...listen to me you fucker.... loose the weight... not thin enough.. you think this is good enough? who do you think i am? i will NOT accept this... see the bumps? the bulges? i see them... i know you do too....

loose the weight you fat bitch... you can't lie to me.....

others see you as thin... you now the reality..... you can't hide from me.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMzVqFPthKE

not thin enough

when will you realise that yo are never thin enough.... ? you stupid, stupid fuck! i hate you for not having the will power... the courage to do as i say... find the excuses for not eating you lazy bitch... it can't be that hard to fool those around you.... feed your kids and forget yourself.... FORGET YOURSELF i say.... huunger is your friend, thinness your inspiration.... i am your last supporter....stick with me or you will have no one......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMzVqFPthKE

this is me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMzVqFPthKE

this is me...my head, my toughts, my mind, my voice.... please view... thats f you want to understand

illusion or delusion?

into the mirror i stare...
the reflection is fat
the reflection is me
my current weight is not what i see.

159 high, 38kg wide
not enough bone
not enough space
why is my body where fat has called home

leave me be
let me be thin
wasting away
is it a sin?

ribs i see
stomach still fat
never happy
never happy with me....

All about CALORIES

ALL ABOUT CALORIES....

What u eat is not always what you get.... calories calories calories..... the bastards hiding out in food. I HATE YOU!!!
my ribs are seen, my bones are bare, thinness is never fair, food i hate, weight i gain, am i sane? i hate myself, i hate my bones, loathe my body i hate my mind...anoerxia ......make me blind.

pro anorexia...?

am i for anorexia...no
i wouldnt wish this disease on anyone... but alas i am tangled in its web.... struggling to see straight, battling the voices within.... fat fat fuck.....
i look down at my legs and all i see is fat... indulgence, sloth, stomach, arms, fingers are all fat.....scared to look anymore.... scared of what i am seeing in my daughter and son... so stressed that they are eating ok and putting on weight..... what is normal eating for a 3yr old????? i am soo confused and scared......
skye

are the pills working....

sad and forlorn...my face stares back from the mirror. my question asked...the answer literally staring me in the face...no my tears reply...
what would i be like if i wasn't taking these pills? could it get much worse...
regretably the answer i know all too well...
it can get worse, it has been worse.
even so, the place i am in at the moment isn't one where i wish to stay for much longer. i have thought long and hard, and i have realsied that i wouldn't want to be married to me, i wouldn't want me as a mother at the moment...
the girl in the picture is me, i am skye.
holding it all in, trying to keep it together for my family. longing for a morning where my eyes don't cry, my head is held high, and my face can smile...

anorexic mother

ANOREXIC MOTHER......

two words that shouldn't be used together... in my life they are never apart.... i am scared that the only legacy i will leave my son & daughter is one of insane thinness... a crazy mind that loses control... never in control...always alone.... always noisy.... always busy....

solitude...where is mine? i want some quite from my thoughts.... some time alone from myself.... is this even possible? to think it is, is in itself craziness.... i am the one person i can never be separate from... one in the same...me myself and i..... what happens when i hate myself and i?
i guess i am yet to find out.... what is to become of this trio.... if we stick around we might just know.....

fuck i am fat

yep that is me... fat fuck.....

mother of two...a fat 40kg waste of space..... how do i fix this... i do not know... i hate me at the moment... no sef control...eating ....... drinking... not excercising... i am soooo tired..... breastfeeding is taking it out of me..... weak fuck.... you should still be able to fast... why can't i do this... and still be a good mum... i am tired, hungry and angry..... i can't satisfy my mental needs and also satisfy my motherhood requirements..... how do i make them both work i do not know...... somebody help me..... make me thin...make me happy.....

THIN...how i long to be this.... 40kg is too much....way too much... too heavy...too fat.... too ugly...to self absorbed....

how to weigh in less... what is my goal you ask? i myslef do not know.... today it is 38kg tomorrow it will probably will be less.... why can't i weigh less...? the ribs...the spaces between the thighs... the bones...the agony...the slothes that hang.... the look....
you know the look... the eyes...that show the pain, the agony, the torture that you have gone through just to reach the state you are in.....

the hunger....

the ode to pain...the ode to thinness....

i am a failure... i am fat... i am kelly and i am 40kg...

back to blogging

back to blogging again....
kai and lni have been sick, we have moved, and tie has run away from me... but skye is back to ramble online and maybe, possibly, one day, write something of literary value...

i can only try.

abused

lani...my baby....has been abused....sexually....by an older female cousin. This has bypassed all warnings that w have taught her....all warnings were forgotten. now she is sore...."down there"...hurting, crying, "playing". A parents worse nightmare has just come true. Scared, tired, angry, are just the few emotions being expelled from me at the moment.... i just want to hold her, forever, keep her safe always, love her in the way she deserves to be loved.

lani, we will get through this....together....we can do it.

depression

told i should be in a mother baby unit at the austin hospital today to help with my depression... not depressed about my new son, just my depression is coming back...with a vengence.... feeling like crap, tired, sad, crying, detached, alone, stressed, anxious, angry, thin, fat, incompetent, timeless.... scared to tell my husband. i was screened today for PND and had a score of 16... anything below 12 is considered high risk and needing referal to PND unit in a psych ward... the one that is attached to the eating disorder ward i went to 2 years ago... begged the nurse not to send me back there. i can' t be separated from my little girl again. i am seeing my GP tomorrow and have been told to get a referal to a psychiatrist... med change again. needs to be done as long as it doesn't affect kai and my breast feeding realtionship with him. he is only 3 months old... i won't give up feeding him for feeling better within myself. depression is a killer.... i have had enough of it....

smacking

why has it come to this....i hate having to do it, but there seems no other way to make you behave at the moment.... you are so angry and upset for a 3yr old...what have i done wrong as a mother? someone please show me the way in mothering a 3yr old daughter....it is really hard. i am worried it is becaause of your new baby brother kai... jealousy is coming....but i don't know how to manage this...he needs to be breast fed...he needs cuddles just as much as you.... it is hard.... tell me what is going on in your little head and i can help....

My Little Girl

is growing up...just turned 3 and has found her independance... "i can do it myself" she says... independant woman, just like her mum i guess. don't want to rely on others.

kai, my baby is 12 weeks today... time is flying, flying past me, stretching, reaching out to grab a hold, scared i will lose touch soon. loose my kids to my mind.

make my world slow down...just a little, not ready for it to go so fast.

mothers day

mother of two....why do i feel like such a failure? juggling time, space, work, play, love is the one constant... always there, ever growing.

lani i love you

lani, my darling daughter, i love you. You are my everything...my life, my soul, my every breath.... i want you to be happy, to love, to laugh, to cry, to feel, to just be you. i want you to live. Live life to its fullest. To fall in love, to smell the roses, to want to wake up in the morning... be fullfilled my special girl, live a life outside your mind....
mum.

my world within

My mind is blank yet racing all the time...feeling like a bad mother ,bad wife...inadequate is the word. So absorbed in my thoughts, unable to just sit and play with my daughter. Not eating again...time is my excuse. Need to eat to be able to breastfeed my son. Guilt... Need to find the "time" somewhere, somehow, must want to eat again....

i can try

Alicia Keys......Fallin'......this is me at the moment.....my mind is fallin' again....crumbling, distancing, crying. Just hope I can catch it this time.