pro anorexia...?

am i for anorexia...no
i wouldnt wish this disease on anyone... but alas i am tangled in its web.... struggling to see straight, battling the voices within.... fat fat fuck.....
i look down at my legs and all i see is fat... indulgence, sloth, stomach, arms, fingers are all fat.....scared to look anymore.... scared of what i am seeing in my daughter and son... so stressed that they are eating ok and putting on weight..... what is normal eating for a 3yr old????? i am soo confused and scared......
skye

are the pills working....

sad and forlorn...my face stares back from the mirror. my question asked...the answer literally staring me in the face...no my tears reply...
what would i be like if i wasn't taking these pills? could it get much worse...
regretably the answer i know all too well...
it can get worse, it has been worse.
even so, the place i am in at the moment isn't one where i wish to stay for much longer. i have thought long and hard, and i have realsied that i wouldn't want to be married to me, i wouldn't want me as a mother at the moment...
the girl in the picture is me, i am skye.
holding it all in, trying to keep it together for my family. longing for a morning where my eyes don't cry, my head is held high, and my face can smile...

anorexic mother

ANOREXIC MOTHER......

two words that shouldn't be used together... in my life they are never apart.... i am scared that the only legacy i will leave my son & daughter is one of insane thinness... a crazy mind that loses control... never in control...always alone.... always noisy.... always busy....

solitude...where is mine? i want some quite from my thoughts.... some time alone from myself.... is this even possible? to think it is, is in itself craziness.... i am the one person i can never be separate from... one in the same...me myself and i..... what happens when i hate myself and i?
i guess i am yet to find out.... what is to become of this trio.... if we stick around we might just know.....

fuck i am fat

yep that is me... fat fuck.....

mother of two...a fat 40kg waste of space..... how do i fix this... i do not know... i hate me at the moment... no sef control...eating ....... drinking... not excercising... i am soooo tired..... breastfeeding is taking it out of me..... weak fuck.... you should still be able to fast... why can't i do this... and still be a good mum... i am tired, hungry and angry..... i can't satisfy my mental needs and also satisfy my motherhood requirements..... how do i make them both work i do not know...... somebody help me..... make me thin...make me happy.....

THIN...how i long to be this.... 40kg is too much....way too much... too heavy...too fat.... too ugly...to self absorbed....

how to weigh in less... what is my goal you ask? i myslef do not know.... today it is 38kg tomorrow it will probably will be less.... why can't i weigh less...? the ribs...the spaces between the thighs... the bones...the agony...the slothes that hang.... the look....
you know the look... the eyes...that show the pain, the agony, the torture that you have gone through just to reach the state you are in.....

the hunger....

the ode to pain...the ode to thinness....

i am a failure... i am fat... i am kelly and i am 40kg...