anorexic plateau

My weight has pateaued... i can't seem to loose anymore.... i am stuck here at the ugly 38kgs...i hate it..detest it... i am failing... why can;t i make it to 35kg like i was so long ago... it wasnt' that hard last time... i could have lost more if it wasn't for falling pregnant.... so why is it so hard this time? i have no idea...other than i am a failure.... a weak and hopeless fat f**k .... food shoudl be my enemy..... it is i guess, but now i have two beautiful children to feed... they don't deserve to starve...to go hungry...they deserve food, life, and fullness..... so alas there is food in my house..... i hate to touch it.... in case it infiltrates my skin.... but i have to... they are too young to get their own meals. and why should they have to? i am their mother... and my issue with food is mine alone..... not theirs...they deserve to be full and content and to grow and develop as normal.... they are special.... they are loved in the right way... not abused but loved...purely for being alive...for being them.... for beign born.....they owe the world nothing...and no one anything.... they are loved.