do the scales lie?

weighing myself at a minimum of 5 times a day... up a kg down 1/2 kg... i am going insane... top this off with deciding that the time is right ot try and come off lexapro and my days have been "filled with joy".... first thing in the morning i weigh 37kg.... by lunch i am 39kg.... then by the time i am ready for bed i am 38kg.... f*&#%^G scales.... if i had the money i would buy some that read accurate.... what does it matter anyway hey... it doesn't really matter what they say to me...i still always and forever will feel...look ..be... FAT!.....

anyways....bakc to the point of this post....LEXAPRO.... what a dog to withdraw from.... i tried for the past two months...doing as they all say..halving the dose week by week etc.... well when it came time for me to finally have my last pill.... hmmm... this past week has been hell... torture... for the first ime in a long time i have actually come to the point of staring at my wrists and knowing wha i wanted to do..... my husband walked in at the wrong time... right time maybe... i don't know... i had my plans...and he foiled them..... so alas, back to the dr i went and now i am back on the pills... don't want to spend th erest of my life on anti depressants... i want to have another child and i can't be pregnant on these pills... and after my last pregnancy i choose not to go through it on zoloft... it was ok but a waste of time for my depression/ed.... just more chemicals for my poor baby to injest and develop on...didn't really do anything for the depression... or hte eating disorder for that matter.... well i apologise for the incoherent ramble that has gone on in this post... i am withdrawing/starting lexapro and i am on a rollercoaster ride... i have thanked my huusband for being so supportive and now i just have to ride the wave..... here's hoping my wrists don't look so appealing tonight and that my weight hasn't gone up in the morning.....

Beauty....

I told another lie today...

and i got through this day,

no one saw through my games.

i know the right words to say....

but when i'm alone no one hears me cry.

i need you to know i'm not through the night,

some days i'm still fighting to walk towards the light......

i don't know the first time i felt, unbeautiful, the day i chose not to eat,

what i do know is how it changed,

my life forever,

i know i should know better....

superchick....courage....

to find my peace within... if only i could be at peace with myself... be alone with myself... stop fighting with myself...

torment

tormented....

you see me before you

your eyes question, your arm reaches out

my lips smile, you reyes fill with tears

your body thin, your spirit weak

anna is my name thinness my game

once i enter your life

i guarantee you it will never be the same

your eyes are the first to come under my spell

then your lips that go silent

they dare not tell

of the torment and torture i put you through each day

with the constant criticism i give, to all you do and all you say

you are captive to your body

held hostage by your heart

the voices, the thoughts

i control them all, i will fight to the death...it is you who shall depart.

insane

coming off meds...my own decision...my own choice.... yet to find out if it was is the right one...
what will happen?
we will see
what shall become
of you and me?
where will i go?
land or sea...
life or death...
its up to me.