anorexic plateau

My weight has pateaued... i can't seem to loose anymore.... i am stuck here at the ugly 38kgs...i hate it..detest it... i am failing... why can;t i make it to 35kg like i was so long ago... it wasnt' that hard last time... i could have lost more if it wasn't for falling pregnant.... so why is it so hard this time? i have no idea...other than i am a failure.... a weak and hopeless fat f**k .... food shoudl be my enemy..... it is i guess, but now i have two beautiful children to feed... they don't deserve to starve...to go hungry...they deserve food, life, and fullness..... so alas there is food in my house..... i hate to touch it.... in case it infiltrates my skin.... but i have to... they are too young to get their own meals. and why should they have to? i am their mother... and my issue with food is mine alone..... not theirs...they deserve to be full and content and to grow and develop as normal.... they are special.... they are loved in the right way... not abused but loved...purely for being alive...for being them.... for beign born.....they owe the world nothing...and no one anything.... they are loved.

uncle carey

uncle carey... sickness has overtaken your body... weakend your spirit... taking your soul... vibrant you once were... cherished and loved you still are...

your family hurting, fear engulfing, may God wrap His arms around you, comfort and hold you close.

I love you.

i am your only friend...listen to me you fucker.... loose the weight... not thin enough.. you think this is good enough? who do you think i am? i will NOT accept this... see the bumps? the bulges? i see them... i know you do too....

loose the weight you fat bitch... you can't lie to me.....

others see you as thin... you now the reality..... you can't hide from me.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMzVqFPthKE

not thin enough

when will you realise that yo are never thin enough.... ? you stupid, stupid fuck! i hate you for not having the will power... the courage to do as i say... find the excuses for not eating you lazy bitch... it can't be that hard to fool those around you.... feed your kids and forget yourself.... FORGET YOURSELF i say.... huunger is your friend, thinness your inspiration.... i am your last supporter....stick with me or you will have no one......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMzVqFPthKE

this is me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMzVqFPthKE

this is me...my head, my toughts, my mind, my voice.... please view... thats f you want to understand

illusion or delusion?

into the mirror i stare...
the reflection is fat
the reflection is me
my current weight is not what i see.

159 high, 38kg wide
not enough bone
not enough space
why is my body where fat has called home

leave me be
let me be thin
wasting away
is it a sin?

ribs i see
stomach still fat
never happy
never happy with me....