depression

told i should be in a mother baby unit at the austin hospital today to help with my depression... not depressed about my new son, just my depression is coming back...with a vengence.... feeling like crap, tired, sad, crying, detached, alone, stressed, anxious, angry, thin, fat, incompetent, timeless.... scared to tell my husband. i was screened today for PND and had a score of 16... anything below 12 is considered high risk and needing referal to PND unit in a psych ward... the one that is attached to the eating disorder ward i went to 2 years ago... begged the nurse not to send me back there. i can' t be separated from my little girl again. i am seeing my GP tomorrow and have been told to get a referal to a psychiatrist... med change again. needs to be done as long as it doesn't affect kai and my breast feeding realtionship with him. he is only 3 months old... i won't give up feeding him for feeling better within myself. depression is a killer.... i have had enough of it....

smacking

why has it come to this....i hate having to do it, but there seems no other way to make you behave at the moment.... you are so angry and upset for a 3yr old...what have i done wrong as a mother? someone please show me the way in mothering a 3yr old daughter....it is really hard. i am worried it is becaause of your new baby brother kai... jealousy is coming....but i don't know how to manage this...he needs to be breast fed...he needs cuddles just as much as you.... it is hard.... tell me what is going on in your little head and i can help....

My Little Girl

is growing up...just turned 3 and has found her independance... "i can do it myself" she says... independant woman, just like her mum i guess. don't want to rely on others.

kai, my baby is 12 weeks today... time is flying, flying past me, stretching, reaching out to grab a hold, scared i will lose touch soon. loose my kids to my mind.

make my world slow down...just a little, not ready for it to go so fast.

mothers day

mother of two....why do i feel like such a failure? juggling time, space, work, play, love is the one constant... always there, ever growing.

lani i love you

lani, my darling daughter, i love you. You are my everything...my life, my soul, my every breath.... i want you to be happy, to love, to laugh, to cry, to feel, to just be you. i want you to live. Live life to its fullest. To fall in love, to smell the roses, to want to wake up in the morning... be fullfilled my special girl, live a life outside your mind....
mum.

my world within

My mind is blank yet racing all the time...feeling like a bad mother ,bad wife...inadequate is the word. So absorbed in my thoughts, unable to just sit and play with my daughter. Not eating again...time is my excuse. Need to eat to be able to breastfeed my son. Guilt... Need to find the "time" somewhere, somehow, must want to eat again....

i can try

Alicia Keys......Fallin'......this is me at the moment.....my mind is fallin' again....crumbling, distancing, crying. Just hope I can catch it this time.