what a rollercoaster.... ended up back on the meds... had our beautiful baby boy.... and have since decided to come off the meds again...against drs orders, but hey.....kaeden is beautiful. such an intellectual.... he will most definately give Lani a run for her money, what an amazing woman she will be... and Kai... well Kai, he has a heart of gold......
i am falling... i am fat.... i am failing...crying....dying....lying....i just don't want to be...... my children keep me here.... i have to get up every morning to take lani to school and have the ability to be in the car again at 3pm to drive the hour to bring her home.... without this... i am not sure what i would be choosing to do with my time.... i am hollow and empy..... i am crying again... i hate myself... i just don't want to be..... i want to be gone... i want to see my kids grow up..... but i jsut don't want to be..... i hear perople tell me that it will get better.... it hasn't got any better after 12 years.... what is supposed to make it get better now? maybe this is just me... i am sad, i am tears, i am longing, i am frightened, i am mum, i must be.... will i ever feel sane...my mind is lost... my body is gone.... and yet i still am mum....
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