from 8 weeks to an 8 month old.....

what a rollercoaster.... ended up back on the meds... had our beautiful baby boy.... and have since decided to come off the meds again...against drs orders, but hey.....

kaeden is beautiful. such an intellectual.... he will most definately give Lani a run for her money, what an amazing woman she will be... and Kai... well Kai, he has a heart of gold......

i am falling... i am fat.... i am failing...crying....dying....lying....i just don't want to be...... my children keep me here.... i have to get up every morning to take lani to school and have the ability to be in the car again at 3pm to drive the hour to bring her home.... without this... i am not sure what i would be choosing to do with my time.... i am hollow and empy..... i am crying again... i hate myself... i just don't want to be..... i want to be gone... i want to see my kids grow up..... but i jsut don't want to be..... i hear perople tell me that it will get better.... it hasn't got any better after 12 years.... what is supposed to make it get better now? maybe this is just me... i am sad, i am tears, i am longing, i am frightened, i am mum, i must be.... will i ever feel sane...my mind is lost... my body is gone.... and yet i still am mum....

8 weeks pregnant

So here I am... 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant... going for another scan tomorrow.... We are wanting a photo to tel the parents they are to be grandparents yet again...
I stopped my lexapro and amazingly enough was pregnant within a month. Coiincidence? I don't think so.... no wonder they say not to have these while pregnant.

i am happy. Teary, emotional, riding a rollercoaster, but i am happy.

k

feling fat again.....

well... i am still trying ot come off my dosage of lexapro... but as i decrease it my time spent on the scales increases expodentially.... i feel so fat.... and when i say feel, i mean i am feeling my body expand, i am feeling it in my fingers, my toes, my neck, my thighs, my stomach, my eyes... my skin is stretching... i htought htta efexor was bad to come down off but lexapro is getting up there in equality.... anorexia is a bitch... she eats away at your sanity...all the while you are not to eat a thing... go figure... how can one feel so fat when the scales can be unchanging...???? i do not understand..
anti depressants... how do they work and how do you know when you can come of them. i just dont know if i am doing the right thing. my mood is ok.. not suicidal... but my stress levels of fatness are through the roof.... i am way below where i was when i was admitted to hospital so i am getting scared... i wake up shaky and weak... exhausted from my dreams....

i am too young to die and have too much to live for.... i need to find the strength, the desire the acceptance to eat....

who am i kidding... i am not allowed to eat... you fat f*&^K...

do the scales lie?

weighing myself at a minimum of 5 times a day... up a kg down 1/2 kg... i am going insane... top this off with deciding that the time is right ot try and come off lexapro and my days have been "filled with joy".... first thing in the morning i weigh 37kg.... by lunch i am 39kg.... then by the time i am ready for bed i am 38kg.... f*&#%^G scales.... if i had the money i would buy some that read accurate.... what does it matter anyway hey... it doesn't really matter what they say to me...i still always and forever will feel...look ..be... FAT!.....

anyways....bakc to the point of this post....LEXAPRO.... what a dog to withdraw from.... i tried for the past two months...doing as they all say..halving the dose week by week etc.... well when it came time for me to finally have my last pill.... hmmm... this past week has been hell... torture... for the first ime in a long time i have actually come to the point of staring at my wrists and knowing wha i wanted to do..... my husband walked in at the wrong time... right time maybe... i don't know... i had my plans...and he foiled them..... so alas, back to the dr i went and now i am back on the pills... don't want to spend th erest of my life on anti depressants... i want to have another child and i can't be pregnant on these pills... and after my last pregnancy i choose not to go through it on zoloft... it was ok but a waste of time for my depression/ed.... just more chemicals for my poor baby to injest and develop on...didn't really do anything for the depression... or hte eating disorder for that matter.... well i apologise for the incoherent ramble that has gone on in this post... i am withdrawing/starting lexapro and i am on a rollercoaster ride... i have thanked my huusband for being so supportive and now i just have to ride the wave..... here's hoping my wrists don't look so appealing tonight and that my weight hasn't gone up in the morning.....

Beauty....

I told another lie today...

and i got through this day,

no one saw through my games.

i know the right words to say....

but when i'm alone no one hears me cry.

i need you to know i'm not through the night,

some days i'm still fighting to walk towards the light......

i don't know the first time i felt, unbeautiful, the day i chose not to eat,

what i do know is how it changed,

my life forever,

i know i should know better....

superchick....courage....

to find my peace within... if only i could be at peace with myself... be alone with myself... stop fighting with myself...

torment

tormented....

you see me before you

your eyes question, your arm reaches out

my lips smile, you reyes fill with tears

your body thin, your spirit weak

anna is my name thinness my game

once i enter your life

i guarantee you it will never be the same

your eyes are the first to come under my spell

then your lips that go silent

they dare not tell

of the torment and torture i put you through each day

with the constant criticism i give, to all you do and all you say

you are captive to your body

held hostage by your heart

the voices, the thoughts

i control them all, i will fight to the death...it is you who shall depart.

insane

coming off meds...my own decision...my own choice.... yet to find out if it was is the right one...
what will happen?
we will see
what shall become
of you and me?
where will i go?
land or sea...
life or death...
its up to me.

anorexic plateau

My weight has pateaued... i can't seem to loose anymore.... i am stuck here at the ugly 38kgs...i hate it..detest it... i am failing... why can;t i make it to 35kg like i was so long ago... it wasnt' that hard last time... i could have lost more if it wasn't for falling pregnant.... so why is it so hard this time? i have no idea...other than i am a failure.... a weak and hopeless fat f**k .... food shoudl be my enemy..... it is i guess, but now i have two beautiful children to feed... they don't deserve to starve...to go hungry...they deserve food, life, and fullness..... so alas there is food in my house..... i hate to touch it.... in case it infiltrates my skin.... but i have to... they are too young to get their own meals. and why should they have to? i am their mother... and my issue with food is mine alone..... not theirs...they deserve to be full and content and to grow and develop as normal.... they are special.... they are loved in the right way... not abused but loved...purely for being alive...for being them.... for beign born.....they owe the world nothing...and no one anything.... they are loved.

uncle carey

uncle carey... sickness has overtaken your body... weakend your spirit... taking your soul... vibrant you once were... cherished and loved you still are...

your family hurting, fear engulfing, may God wrap His arms around you, comfort and hold you close.

I love you.

i am your only friend...listen to me you fucker.... loose the weight... not thin enough.. you think this is good enough? who do you think i am? i will NOT accept this... see the bumps? the bulges? i see them... i know you do too....

loose the weight you fat bitch... you can't lie to me.....

others see you as thin... you now the reality..... you can't hide from me.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMzVqFPthKE

not thin enough

when will you realise that yo are never thin enough.... ? you stupid, stupid fuck! i hate you for not having the will power... the courage to do as i say... find the excuses for not eating you lazy bitch... it can't be that hard to fool those around you.... feed your kids and forget yourself.... FORGET YOURSELF i say.... huunger is your friend, thinness your inspiration.... i am your last supporter....stick with me or you will have no one......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMzVqFPthKE

this is me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMzVqFPthKE

this is me...my head, my toughts, my mind, my voice.... please view... thats f you want to understand

illusion or delusion?

into the mirror i stare...
the reflection is fat
the reflection is me
my current weight is not what i see.

159 high, 38kg wide
not enough bone
not enough space
why is my body where fat has called home

leave me be
let me be thin
wasting away
is it a sin?

ribs i see
stomach still fat
never happy
never happy with me....

All about CALORIES

ALL ABOUT CALORIES....

What u eat is not always what you get.... calories calories calories..... the bastards hiding out in food. I HATE YOU!!!
my ribs are seen, my bones are bare, thinness is never fair, food i hate, weight i gain, am i sane? i hate myself, i hate my bones, loathe my body i hate my mind...anoerxia ......make me blind.

pro anorexia...?

am i for anorexia...no
i wouldnt wish this disease on anyone... but alas i am tangled in its web.... struggling to see straight, battling the voices within.... fat fat fuck.....
i look down at my legs and all i see is fat... indulgence, sloth, stomach, arms, fingers are all fat.....scared to look anymore.... scared of what i am seeing in my daughter and son... so stressed that they are eating ok and putting on weight..... what is normal eating for a 3yr old????? i am soo confused and scared......
skye

are the pills working....

sad and forlorn...my face stares back from the mirror. my question asked...the answer literally staring me in the face...no my tears reply...
what would i be like if i wasn't taking these pills? could it get much worse...
regretably the answer i know all too well...
it can get worse, it has been worse.
even so, the place i am in at the moment isn't one where i wish to stay for much longer. i have thought long and hard, and i have realsied that i wouldn't want to be married to me, i wouldn't want me as a mother at the moment...
the girl in the picture is me, i am skye.
holding it all in, trying to keep it together for my family. longing for a morning where my eyes don't cry, my head is held high, and my face can smile...

anorexic mother

ANOREXIC MOTHER......

two words that shouldn't be used together... in my life they are never apart.... i am scared that the only legacy i will leave my son & daughter is one of insane thinness... a crazy mind that loses control... never in control...always alone.... always noisy.... always busy....

solitude...where is mine? i want some quite from my thoughts.... some time alone from myself.... is this even possible? to think it is, is in itself craziness.... i am the one person i can never be separate from... one in the same...me myself and i..... what happens when i hate myself and i?
i guess i am yet to find out.... what is to become of this trio.... if we stick around we might just know.....

fuck i am fat

yep that is me... fat fuck.....

mother of two...a fat 40kg waste of space..... how do i fix this... i do not know... i hate me at the moment... no sef control...eating ....... drinking... not excercising... i am soooo tired..... breastfeeding is taking it out of me..... weak fuck.... you should still be able to fast... why can't i do this... and still be a good mum... i am tired, hungry and angry..... i can't satisfy my mental needs and also satisfy my motherhood requirements..... how do i make them both work i do not know...... somebody help me..... make me thin...make me happy.....

THIN...how i long to be this.... 40kg is too much....way too much... too heavy...too fat.... too ugly...to self absorbed....

how to weigh in less... what is my goal you ask? i myslef do not know.... today it is 38kg tomorrow it will probably will be less.... why can't i weigh less...? the ribs...the spaces between the thighs... the bones...the agony...the slothes that hang.... the look....
you know the look... the eyes...that show the pain, the agony, the torture that you have gone through just to reach the state you are in.....

the hunger....

the ode to pain...the ode to thinness....

i am a failure... i am fat... i am kelly and i am 40kg...

back to blogging

back to blogging again....
kai and lni have been sick, we have moved, and tie has run away from me... but skye is back to ramble online and maybe, possibly, one day, write something of literary value...

i can only try.