2yrs on and I'm back... 4 weeks post 4th child .

cheeks flooded with tears
mind fuzzy
body fat
failure engulfing

me again

here i am once more... fighting the battle for my mind.... lost...i haev already.... the only fight left is for what weight i will be.....

if i could draw my mind

if i could draw my mind what would it look like? it would be black and jaggered. It would be deep and well trodden.... lines would be thick, there would be grey... my mind would be ill.... i think i am ill... again.... i don't feel real good right now. if anyone who knows me can somehow read this.... i think i need help.... i don't know how i would help me... i really don't.... but i am dying again..... my not so slow and painful death into insanity......

the knife it cuts

same night... different post... kaeden walked, lani saw me smile, these warrant their own post.....
i type, my hands onthe keyboard.. 10 fingers all as innocent as eachother..... all wanting ot be cut......

my eyes are heavy and want to cry...... about what, i am not sure.... honestly i want to cut my fattness, my ugliness out... i am huge,,,, i need to shrink, i need to starve, i need to be thinner..... skinnier.... how ever you want to spell it... i need to not be me and the weight i am now....... make me thin before i have to do something... i am not ment to be this big... i am fat, i am fat fat fat fat.. FAT just FAT it needs to stop, i need to stop how do i be a mum and still be fat..... thats easy i just have to be me... how do i be a mum and be skinny??????

no, not skinny, i just need not to eat.....

how do i be a mum and feed my kids adequately and not eat myself?????

please reply... anyone with advice answers, please reply.... i am desperate... please help a fat fuck of a mother... please.....

my baby is walking

so kaeden is 2 days off being 10 months old and he has taken his first steps today... my baby walked.... i sit back and recall lani and kai... lani in her little denim dress that i gave up takeaway for the $30 target dress to get her off her knees and walking...kai taking his first teeny steps towards his big uncle Phil while camping at the Murray River one Christmas..... they have all achieved walking by 10 months... :)

do you want to know my biggest achievment though?.... 2 days ago in the kitchen..Lani saw me smile... really smile... for what i would consider the first time in her little life.... and you know what.. she smiled and said she couldn't help but smile cause i was.... as ironic as it is... it makes me cry.... how after 5 years has my dausghter now ever seen me truly smile...? and how is it that a 5 year old is the one to reason that this smile was different to the others? and why is it when i am finally off the anti depressants i can finally smile... even if it is for a split second?

from 8 weeks to an 8 month old.....

what a rollercoaster.... ended up back on the meds... had our beautiful baby boy.... and have since decided to come off the meds again...against drs orders, but hey.....

kaeden is beautiful. such an intellectual.... he will most definately give Lani a run for her money, what an amazing woman she will be... and Kai... well Kai, he has a heart of gold......

i am falling... i am fat.... i am failing...crying....dying....lying....i just don't want to be...... my children keep me here.... i have to get up every morning to take lani to school and have the ability to be in the car again at 3pm to drive the hour to bring her home.... without this... i am not sure what i would be choosing to do with my time.... i am hollow and empy..... i am crying again... i hate myself... i just don't want to be..... i want to be gone... i want to see my kids grow up..... but i jsut don't want to be..... i hear perople tell me that it will get better.... it hasn't got any better after 12 years.... what is supposed to make it get better now? maybe this is just me... i am sad, i am tears, i am longing, i am frightened, i am mum, i must be.... will i ever feel sane...my mind is lost... my body is gone.... and yet i still am mum....

8 weeks pregnant

So here I am... 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant... going for another scan tomorrow.... We are wanting a photo to tel the parents they are to be grandparents yet again...
I stopped my lexapro and amazingly enough was pregnant within a month. Coiincidence? I don't think so.... no wonder they say not to have these while pregnant.

i am happy. Teary, emotional, riding a rollercoaster, but i am happy.

k

feling fat again.....

well... i am still trying ot come off my dosage of lexapro... but as i decrease it my time spent on the scales increases expodentially.... i feel so fat.... and when i say feel, i mean i am feeling my body expand, i am feeling it in my fingers, my toes, my neck, my thighs, my stomach, my eyes... my skin is stretching... i htought htta efexor was bad to come down off but lexapro is getting up there in equality.... anorexia is a bitch... she eats away at your sanity...all the while you are not to eat a thing... go figure... how can one feel so fat when the scales can be unchanging...???? i do not understand..
anti depressants... how do they work and how do you know when you can come of them. i just dont know if i am doing the right thing. my mood is ok.. not suicidal... but my stress levels of fatness are through the roof.... i am way below where i was when i was admitted to hospital so i am getting scared... i wake up shaky and weak... exhausted from my dreams....

i am too young to die and have too much to live for.... i need to find the strength, the desire the acceptance to eat....

who am i kidding... i am not allowed to eat... you fat f*&^K...